Back in the day, I used to journal my thoughts and feelings to get through difficult times. It took many years and multiple journals to move me out of the mud and into a much better place. Once I married Chris, he kind of became my sounding board in lieu of my journals. I also had less to unload, because I was finally in a healthy, happy relationship. At that time, I wasn't writing to YOU - just writing to myself, more or less, to help me work through my feelings.
I then found myself picking up a journal again a few years ago to help me focus on my prayer life. I seem to stay engaged better if I am writing to you instead of praying silently in my head. Words tend to flow more freely, I guess, and I can also go back and read my prayers. As you know, I have several unfinished journals in my desk that had a beginning but quickly faded into blank pages once again. Why? Because I just stopped taking time to do it? Because I felt like I didn't NEED to unload in a journal anymore? Like my life was not longer a hot mess, so journal entries were no longer necessary? Because I thought the podcast or occasional blog post would be a sufficient outlet? Because I am now part of a couple of ladies Bible studies where I can share what I am comfortable sharing without baring my soul?
Because I am too lazy? Or because I am too distracted by what seems like a hundred other things screaming for my time and attention every morning when my day begins?!?
This week, I found myself crying inside ... Feeling a wave of sadness covering me that I haven't felt for awhile. A deep loneliness. I know that I am not alone and yet ... sometimes
it sure feels like there is nobody else that can understand how I feel right now. I found myself feeling guilty for even BEGINNING to feel sorry for myself when I know that by comparison so many others are carrying heavier burdens than I bear ... but then I thought "Why not?" Why can't I unload to you how I am really feeling and cry out for help? David did it in the Psalms. I don't want to unload all of this onto Chris. He doesn't need to worry about me, too. He has his own version of what we are experiencing on this autism journey. We do talk about our thoughts and feelings which is helpful, but I think I am yearning for some raw conversation made for Your ears and Your help.
Why journal this on a public blog? Because you laid it on my heart to do so... discreetly ... Don't tell anyone about it. Let You guide the people to read it who need it most ... I am trusting Your Holy Spirit to speak through me as I cry out to you for help on this autism journey today and days to come...
Today ... My prayer is for PEACE OF MIND. I feel my thoughts bouncing all over the place as we have now reached another crossroad with ABA for Bryce. How can it help him as he turns seven years old in a few weeks? Who will be his new ABA team? Where is the line we draw between our family's privacy and opening up our home? Who will be here for 15-20 hours each week to help our son with ASD behaviors? Who will help provide us education and tools to help Bryce for the remaining 148-153 hours? These are NOT easy decisions ... Even after more than four years on this journey, we still stumble upon these difficult decisions. Just different perspectives as we are at a different age, a new season of life, an advanced place of development. I can't shake a Magic 8-Ball for the answer or find the right fortune cookie. I can't expect to just crack upon a book and spontaneously point to the correct answer - even the Bible, your Word, doesn't have a crystal clear answer that addressed "parenting autism" other than seeking you and your wisdom. That's why I am here today. Please guide me with your wisdom and peace of mind... Please make it abundantly clear which path to take and align me with Chris' thoughts, too... I give you praise in Jesus' name for answering this cry for help ... Amen